Inaudibly, intriguingly, stealthily, the mist slinks out, permeating every crack, infiltrating, unstoppable, unrelenting, then swiftly as it comes, recedes, withdraws, diminishes into nothing.
This is a really good entry. Your vocabulary was amazing, and it provided a clear visual of the mist. Maybe next time make it a little longer to help continue the thought but overall great job!
I feel disappointed; you could have easily put more into this and made it even better. Don't get me, wrong, it's good. Short and simple is sometimes the way to go, and you definitely did it well with this piece.
Jacob, I use Stream of Conciousness with my students. Of course my students are writing in their journals so I do not see there writing as often as I would like. I so enjoy reading your writing; your maturity and depth of understanding are so amazing. Thank you for sharing.
I know you don't want everybody just to comment on your vocab, but it is amazing. Maybe next time try to make it a little longer, and also maybe bring in the thought of the mist at the end so the reader can think of whatever they want during the poem until the end. Everything you write is still amazing though.
That's a great idea, taking the mist out...giving it a bit of mystery. I'm not so sure I agree with making it longer though; it's supposed to kind of be like the mist, quickly coming, then slipping away and making you wonder if it ever really was there.
I love the diction, it's quite powerful. However, I agree with Dilpreet, I feel as if you could have done more with it, perhaps now as it's been a few years you could play around with it!
You unknowingly used parallel structure! I love the rhythm and the trios of words...adverbs, adjectives, then verbs, ending with "nothing." I love it!!
This is a really good entry. Your vocabulary was amazing, and it provided a clear visual of the mist. Maybe next time make it a little longer to help continue the thought but overall great job!
ReplyDeleteI feel disappointed; you could have easily put more into this and made it even better. Don't get me, wrong, it's good. Short and simple is sometimes the way to go, and you definitely did it well with this piece.
ReplyDeleteJacob,
ReplyDeleteI use Stream of Conciousness with my students. Of course my students are writing in their journals so I do not see there writing as often as I would like. I so enjoy reading your writing; your maturity and depth of understanding are so amazing. Thank you for sharing.
I know you don't want everybody just to comment on your vocab, but it is amazing. Maybe next time try to make it a little longer, and also maybe bring in the thought of the mist at the end so the reader can think of whatever they want during the poem until the end. Everything you write is still amazing though.
ReplyDeleteThat's a great idea, taking the mist out...giving it a bit of mystery. I'm not so sure I agree with making it longer though; it's supposed to kind of be like the mist, quickly coming, then slipping away and making you wonder if it ever really was there.
ReplyDeleteI love the diction, it's quite powerful. However, I agree with Dilpreet, I feel as if you could have done more with it, perhaps now as it's been a few years you could play around with it!
ReplyDeleteYou unknowingly used parallel structure! I love the rhythm and the trios of words...adverbs, adjectives, then verbs, ending with "nothing." I love it!!
ReplyDeleteThis is pretty cool. Have you considered crafting each line to control the pace the reader uses when going through the poem?
ReplyDeleteThe idea is for it to read swiftly, so that it is over before you realize it.
ReplyDelete